Wednesday, February 8, 2012

One Day We'll Live Like Protestants

Rumors have been circulating that Anne O'Leary, CEO of O'Leary Air stopped drinking long enough to write her memoirs.

Intrepid reporter, Jim Bedwetter with the Business Inslider approached Ms. O'Leary as she made her way towards Shenanigans Pub in Limerick earlier today.

When asked if she had indeed written her memoirs, O'Leary kneed Jim in the groin and had this to say.  "Times are tough, and my imaginary airline can't turn a profit while throwing money away on expensive advertising. The way I've got it figured, I can earn a profit on my book and advertise my cheap no frills flights at the same time. Now that's the kind of business that makes sense to me,"



My book, "One Day We'll Live Like Protestants" tells the inspiring story of a Catholic farm girl and her dreams to escape the shame of abject poverty.


I was so poor when I was born, that I couldn't afford parents. So the raising of me was left to my Gran Rosie O'Leary. "Ah Jaysus, Anne" she'd say to me "but you were born angry"  I realize now that I must have known that Bertie Ahern would one day become a politician and destroy the economy of Ireland.


Gran used to tell me she always knew when I'd gotten up in the morning, by the sound of my growling as I came down the steps.  "I never knew a child to be as pissed off as you Anne" she'd say to me. I realize now that I must have known that the European Union would one day destroy the economy of all of Europe.


Why I was so poor and so angry that the only child that would play with me was a boy named Michael. Oh and we had some grand times, we did.  We spent much of our time wondering what it would be like to be Protestants and imagined a life where we had toilet paper to wipe our arses with instead of newspaper.

We used to spend the day, roaming around seeing how the other half lived. We loved nothing more than to watch them at play in their native habitats, imagining what it would be like to waste so much money hitting a little ball around a piece o' green into a hole in the ground.


This one golf course that we liked to visit had a Fine Dining establishment on the premises. One day, after stealing golf balls and getting ourselves full of mud, we came in right through the front door of one of those restaurants and ran out through the back kitchen yelling while the chef chased us out into the alley.  It was a great day, that one was.


And as I grew older the coppers got to know their way to my Grans house pretty well. One day, just as a joke, mind ya, me and Michael put one those cop cars up on cement blocks with its back wheels just off the pavement. Then we got some cardboard and some lighter fluid and started just a wee fire in an alley crossways to see what would happen. We were just curious, not meaning any harm. Well, things didn't turn out very well for us on that day I'm tellin' ya. 

Had it not been for a visit to my Cousin Margie in the States, my life would have been nothing more than a long series of acts of vandalism and traffic citations.   


I stood there watching all those poor bastards load cart after cart of luggage into the cargo of that plane just knowing that the customers weren't paying for that service and I said to myself  "I can do that better, cheaper and more reliably than those feckers ever could."  When I came home from that trip, I told my friend Michael, right there and then that "One Day We'll Live Like Protestants"

Now to you hooligans that are up early posting at around the same time I do. I'm gonna be late today, I've got an appointment early and won't be back till afternoon. I'll see you then.

Everyone have a great day.

59 comments:

  1. I have an appointment this morning too. Now if only I could wake up.

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    1. I know that feeling. I have it every day.

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  2. Not morning here, but I hope you have a good day anyways.
    You did look a very happy little girl despite the growling. (Love your drawings)

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    1. Our time zones are cattywampus Mynx. You usually post when it's early morning for me and that's when I get to your page.

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  3. haha so did Michael steal the idea from you so?

    I think he only has three phrases, no frill airlines, cheap and reliable service and on time flights!!!

    This was great craic!!!

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    1. And don't forget. "We don't do refunds"

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  4. I once had a dream to live like a prostitute. Is this somehow related?

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  5. Truly a tale of inspiration. "I never knew a child as pissed off as you, Anne." Hahahahaha! The visual portrait you painted of the cop car and fire in the alley was great. I'm so glad the drinking abated just long enough to give us this great tale.

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    1. I opened a bottle of gin immediately upon completing this story. Tequila is next.

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  6. So...your grandmother had quite the rack, I see...

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    1. That's a sentence I never thought I'd read Joshua.

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  7. Thank God for cousin Margie =)

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  8. was this a true story or fiction, dahling? Knowing you, I just can't decide :ppp

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    1. I did all those things. I didn't say feck as a baby, but I growled coming down steps and we pulled these pranks. And I was told I was pissed off from birth. I really was an angry child, the world didn't seem fair to me and I got up to a lot of no good because of it.

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    2. LOL, me was the opposite, I don't think I said more then 50 sentences in my whole childhood :) I just kept quiet, and played alone with my pens and paper. I drew a lot.

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    3. Do you still draw? I can't imagine you being quiet.

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  9. Do you really growl as you come down steps??? lol!!

    Very cute!! Love the artwork. :)

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    1. They tell me I did it every morning. Gran said she could hear the sound my feet made as they hit the steps and said I'd growl with each step. It's family lore now!

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  10. Who you calling a hooligan?..haha....Was that real? Did you really do that to the cop car? Weren't you just the curious one. Next you'll blow up a fecking airplane just to see what happens..haha

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    1. Not unless it belongs to Aer Lingus!!

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  11. That story about you guys wrecking the police car is actually so awesome, you guys were actually really badass, do you still ever talk to Michael at all? If you bought a full length autobiography I would probably read it even though it sounds like there would need to be more than just one part to "One Day We'll Live Like Protestants." I live like a Protestant by the way and honestly, it really isn't that good. I'd much rather be anywhere on earth than out on the twelfth of July, trust me!

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    1. Hubby says we should have a sitcom about our family. I told him "What do you think my blog is?"

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  12. Did I read that right? You stopped drinking for a short period of time?

    I hope the prank you pulled on the cops was true! You would be so much cooler if it was! Not that you aren't already cool but this would just make you the queen of cool!

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    1. We did it. These are the stories my kids get told at family get-togethers and then they use it to excuse them getting up to no good. I'll do some posts about the teen years. It gets worse.

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    2. You are my hero! Worse is better right? Certainly entertaining anyway!

      You are one feckin crazy Irish woman...and we love you for it!

      And it is infectious...you Irish accent that is! I found myself speaking (writing) like you when I come here! I am part Irish you know! I have to be...I love beer and I love potatoes! I even shit green on St. Patty's day!

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    3. One of the funniest things I do is speak American slang for my kids friends. It slays them to hear me mangling it so badly.
      I just sent you a DM!!

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  13. Brilliant! My god, we could have been separated at birth! My mother told me I was born "furious and frowning"! (That's 'cause I didn't want to be resuscitated, dammit!) Shortly after I learned to walk, I perfected the power stomp! Wooden floors are great for stomping of in a huff! A right misery-guts, me!

    Hope you slept well. :)

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    1. We'd have been a pair wouldn't we. I still storm about when angry!! My daughter came out the same way so I've been paid back. Karma works!

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  14. Anne, I hope you have time to be on later since you have an early appointment. I know Wednesday night is a big church night for many protestant religions, at least in the south. Can you blog during the sermon?

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  15. Good thing for your cousin.
    Gran has a pretty nice rack too.

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  16. I would actually read your memoirs. I also hope my childs first word is feck. I actually do now. I think if you do write your memoirs you're not going to sober up to do it though.

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  17. The picture of you as a baby saying Feck had me laughing my butt off! Great post as always!

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  18. Sounds like you've always been a handful. Beats the simple life!

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  19. Your cousin sounds like a nice person!

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  20. and to think I just wanted to live someday like I had common sense.

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  21. We would have been best friends if we had grown up together. ...Or perhaps even more fun, we would have spent childhood as arch nemesises (yeah I haven't a clue how to pluralize that...), which would have made childhood about 100 times more entertaining.

    The baby feck picture and the cigarettes/condoms picture had me laughing until I CRIED.

    xoxoxo

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  22. great work with the cop car!

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  23. Oh my word...I just laughed SO HARD! Thank you for sharing these life lessons. And just maybe I have been aspiring to be the wrong thing...I need to live like a protestant.

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  24. And suddenly my childhood seems a lot more boring in comparison.

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  25. the comics and graphics are great :) it got me laughing

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  26. You actually wiped your ass with newspaper? All I had was receipts from the instant noodles I bought. And the instant noodle wrappers. Which I kinda use now.

    I'm still living Catholic. :(

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  27. Haha, I loved this story, so funny, I hope you have further adventures to share.

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  28. The growling cracks me up. Hahaha! I'm glad you aren't (don't seem to be anyway)angry all the time anymore. I'm living Catholic and I can't wait to live Protestant!!

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  29. so feck was your first word...ha...rags to riches eh...i knew the cops well growing up...you realise if you date their daughters you know when they are coming for you....nice bit here today ma'am

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  30. cigarettes and condoms...I don't know which I despise more! ha.

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  31. that reminded me of "slumdog millionaire" lol

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  32. I love reading these things, I love how the pictures are improving as well. Great work.

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  33. Wow! You mentioned in your earlier post that you changed your paint software so I was worried that it might take a bit of time before you can fully adjust to it. I'm glad that you got used to it sooner than I expected, since I usually take a week or two to adjust to a new software.

    Now about your post, I didn't quite expect that you quite the delinquent when you were younger.

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    1. There wasn't much to do out in the country and this was before internet. We had to do something to have fun!!

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  34. Highly interesting....kinda makes you wonder..where would you be if it wasnt for your Marg...

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