I was so poor when I was born, that I couldn't afford parents. So the raising of me was left to my Gran Rosie O'Leary. "Ah Jaysus, Anne" she'd say to me "but you were born angry" I realize now that I must have known that Bertie Ahern would one day become a politician and destroy the economy of Ireland.
Gran used to tell me she always knew when I'd gotten up in the morning, by the sound of my growling as I came down the steps. "I never knew a child to be as pissed off as you Anne" she'd say to me. I realize now that I must have known that the European Union would one day destroy the economy of all of Europe.
Why I was so poor and so angry that the only child that would play with me was a boy named Michael. Oh and we had some grand times, we did. We spent much of our time wondering what it would be like to be Protestants and imagined a life where we had toilet paper to wipe our arses with instead of newspaper.
We used to spend the day, roaming around seeing how the other half lived. We loved nothing more than to watch them at play in their native habitats, imagining what it would be like to waste so much money hitting a little ball around a piece o' green into a hole in the ground.
This one golf course that we liked to visit had a Fine Dining establishment on the premises. One day, after stealing golf balls and getting ourselves full of mud, we came in right through the front door of one of those restaurants and ran out through the back kitchen yelling while the chef chased us out into the alley. It was a great day, that one was.
And as I grew older the coppers got to know their way to my Grans house pretty well. One day, just as a joke, mind ya, me and Michael put one those cop cars up on cement blocks with its back wheels just off the pavement. Then we got some cardboard and some lighter fluid and started just a wee fire in an alley crossways to see what would happen. We were just curious, not meaning any harm. Well, things didn't turn out very well for us on that day I'm tellin' ya.
Had it not been for a visit to my Cousin Margie in the States, my life would have been nothing more than a long series of acts of vandalism and traffic citations.
I stood there watching all those poor bastards load cart after cart of luggage into the cargo of that plane just knowing that the customers weren't paying for that service and I said to myself "I can do that better, cheaper and more reliably than those feckers ever could." When I came home from that trip, I told my friend Michael, right there and then that "One Day We'll Live Like Protestants"
Now to you hooligans that are up early posting at around the same time I do. I'm gonna be late today, I've got an appointment early and won't be back till afternoon. I'll see you then.
Everyone have a great day.