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Thursday, January 12, 2012

O'Leary Tells Boeing To Feck Off

Negotians for the purchase of 200 airplanes by O'Leary Air broke down when the outrageous CEO Anne O'Leary told executives at Boeing to feck off.



When asked by a reporter why the negotiations failed, Ms. O'Leary had this to say, "Those gobshites wanted too much money. I was willing to pay those bastard €2,000.00 for each one of those feckin' planes and with the rate of exchange they'd really be getting $2551.21. And that's a bargain for me." 

Representatives from Boeing responded by saying "She can stick it up her arse!"  Ms. O'Leary countered this statment by saying "First I need a drink, then I'll hold a Press Conference."


Ten hours later, after the last pub in Dublin closed, Ms. Oleary finally showed up. Unable to walk a straight line, the CEO of O'Leary Air was carried to the podium by her Chief Advisor and pet troll, Guido.


"All right ya feckless bastards" she yelled into the microphone, "Because Boeing eff'ed me over, I've had to develop a new plan for growth."


Only the most tenacious or reporters remained in their seats for the remainder of the Conference.


While drinking at Shenanigans Pub, I develped a two pronged plan that I'm certain will increase the profits of my imaginary airline in 2012.


After opening a bottle of gin O'Leary began. "Instead of buying 200 of those expensive planes, I've decided to buy 7,000 used Cessnas instead. And you know what that means?" O'Leary yelled at the press. "That means jobs. I'll be needing pilots to fly these damn planes. And until I can find experienced pilots who are willing to work for me, I'm going to fill those cockpits with my stewardesses."


Members of the press were aghast.


O'Leary finished her gin, opened a bottle of whiskey and continued. "Now strictly speaking, these girls aren't licensed pilots. But they have pretty good aim and I think they can get you where you need to go." At this point Ms. O'Leary seemed confused and could be heard to mutter, "Where the bloody hell am I?"

Grabbing the podium to keep the room from spinning, she continued her presentation. "Now there's only one thing left standing between O'Leary Air and serious financial growth. So I've started a new ad campaign."



"Because there's a slim chance that my rival will survive this vicious attack, I have a back-up plan."


"I just happen to own 25% of the stock in that company and I plan to sell that stock short. That should finish them off and then I'll buy the whole damn airline for €1.00" Ms. O'Leary glared at the press, then continued. "I'm willing to experience short term pain for long term gain."


The press appeared to be perplexed. 


Following this statement the CEO of O'Leary Air passed out. 

Okay folks, I seemed to have gotten myself into a jam. On Tuesday I made the mistake of issuing a threat challenge to fellow blogger Bersercules. Well that bastard (term of endearment) called my bluff. And to make a long story short, I have to draw a picture of him in a semi-gay Skeletor pose.  Now this is going to take me all weekend to draw (the muscalture in those buttocks will take at least 12 hours to draw in MS Paint), so I'm going to post it here on Monday. And if you want to have a snowballs chance in hell of understanding what I'm talking about, you'll need to go look at his Tuesday post.

I'm required to make this promise in writing today so that if I try to back out of this deal, I'll look like an arsemonkey on Monday.

Thanks you for flying O'Leary Air today, I hope you enjoyed the ride. You can leave your comments with the stewardess on the way out. 

 

63 comments:

  1. You can hire me. But that would be 'child abuse'. Tell you what, you can take my whole class/squadron of 15 guys FOR FREE as volunteers.
    Have we got a deal?

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  2. @kbbuddingwriter yeah we've got a deal. I'll pay them in porn and give them time off for lunch. We know how to treat minors here at O'Leary Air.

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  3. You just did the impossible. You made reading a business story interesting, and hilarious.

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  4. Oh wow. If this is the promise post, I cant wait for Mondays drawing. You are a wonderful funny lady

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  5. Maybe naked stewardesses will boost traffic, although they may never get off the fecking ground, instead of mile high club it could be the 10 feet high club, good luck with the picture you bluffing eejit/lovely girl!

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  6. "O'Leary finished her gin, opened a bottle of whiskey and continued." This line started a train of laughter that didn't end until I'd finished reading the whole story and the advertising campaign actually killed me. I'm actually so glad you do these funny posts Anne, I honestly didn't think that something on Blogger could make me, Mr Serious laugh like I'm laughing right now, I actually can't stop.

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  7. @Allen Thank you. I read your poem. You can paint a snapshot with just a few words. It was wonderful

    @Mynx thank you. I really hope I can draw the damn thing like I'm picturing it in my head.

    @Angry I'm not bluffing. I really have to do this for Bersercules. Never eff with a Canadian. I'm serious, they're wiley.

    @Yeamie I'm so glad to hear that. I loved your post last night. You helped me understand things in a less emotional way. I'll tweet you later!

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  8. hahaha yes us Canadians are wiley indeed, should be quite the interesting pic of Berserc. LOL I get on the plane just to see each stewardness but if they tried to fly I'd jump out. But you'd still get some money since you charge just to get on the fecking thing..haha

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  9. Passei para conhecer o seu blog,
    beijos

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  10. i lol'd at the stewardess having good aim, instantly made me think of trhe planes more as missiles than planes ^_^

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  11. @Pat, I'd charge you to get on the plane, charge you to say hello to the stewardess, then charge you to get back on the plane.

    @Andy você é bem-vindo

    @Zap They could be missles with these girls in the cockpit (pun intended)

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  12. You continue to make me laugh! I'm so glad I stopped by before I headed off to work. Oh, and thank you for the money conversion - I would have been lost otherwise, dumb ass that I am LOL.

    BTW - can I borrow Guido? He looks like he could kick some serious ass!

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  13. Feck, I'm glad I showed you that old guy now..haha

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  14. Passing out is always the best plan of action!

    Long live O'Leary air!

    So your definitly gonna draw the picture eh? Glad you put it in writing! (and I can't wait to see my ass!)

    (also my post wasn't up yet cause I just woke up... its 4;30 am for me. Thursday is the next twenty hours!)

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  15. I wasn't always Anne's body guard. I use to work for her as a flight attendant. But that didn't work out. Im not sure but i think it was due to my customer service "issues".
    During a flight when attending a customer i use to say:

    "Welcome to O'Leary Airlines, GO FUK YOURSELF"

    "Hears your extra pillow, GO FUK YOURSELF"

    "Sir im gonna have to ask you to put your seat in the upright position, BEFORE I JAM THIS PENCIL INTO YOUR EYE SOCKET".

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  16. Another amazingly entertaining post, you're super talented, and hilarious! Can't wait for more :D

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  17. @L Thank you, Guido is very protective..and mean! He has a younger brother. I'll send him over to you. You'll have to pay for the airfare though!

    @Pat I am so going to get you for that. It's going to be something devious and evil.

    @bersercules Of course I'm going to do it. Hell, you called my bluff and now I owe you. I can't wait to draw your ass! And you're lazy, I post at 3:00 a.m. my time for my UK readers. I'm getting ready to take a nap now.

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  18. @Jerzey I'm laughing so hard I'm about to cough up a lung. I'm going rehire you as a spokesman for my new ad campaign. "We're so cheap at O'Leary Air we can't be bothered to screw you" Then you come on camera and say "Go Fuk Yourself" I might even pay you.

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  19. You know, Anne, they are building the new 787's here in South Carolina with non-union labor. Have you tried to negotiate with them?

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  20. @blazal thank you, I'm taking a long weekend off, but I'll have Bersercules ass posted early Monday.

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  21. @Barfly there you are! I've caught you flirting with the other ladies on Blogger behind my back ya bastard. And no, I'm not jealous, I just may have to hurt a few of them to make the pain go away. I can't afford new planes, do they have any used ones that will still run?

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  22. "gobshites" for a second I read it without the "e" and was happy that I learned a new naughty word, but then I noticed the "E" and I knew it has nothing to do with poo :((

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  23. Now that you've become so dangerously good at MSPaint (and drunken press conferences!) I've no doubt your Bersercules picture is going to be one of epic proportions. And yes, that was a butt joke. Can't wait for Monday.

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  24. I'll only fly if Liam Neeson is your campaign ad model. And I insist on drunk pilots. It's the only way to find that island from LOST.

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  25. @Dez, I'm sorry Dez, I only make poo and fart jokes on Twitter. Did you get my DM? I'm having trouble with your comment section. It pulls up a blank white sheet. Some other bloggers are saying it's a glitch due to the addition of these Reply/Delete buttons. I'm coming over to your blog to try again.

    @ABFTS oh yeah that's going to be one epic ass I'll be drawing. I'll make so many mistakes that I'll wear out the Control/Z function on my keyboard.

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  26. @Joshua It's a deal. I love Liam too. That plane will be for private use only. And my pilots are always drunk. Their blood/alcohol level gets tested before take-off. Anything below .20 and they don't fly.

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  27. Those Boeing feckers! O'Leary owns the air! and who (or what) is this Aer Lingus? destroy them! lol

    also, I spy with my little eye...Brett Favre and the Packers! :)

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  28. @Insomniac I'm glad someone noticed. I put the Steelers and the Packers up for the Americans. When I put this together, I didn't know the Stellers were going to feckin' lose. At least not until next week.

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  29. haha!!

    Can I be a pilot?? Pretty please?? I'll still dress like a sexy stewardess.....

    xoxo

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  30. Your MS paint skills really shine in this post! That would be one hell of a press conference to attend! Your imaginary airline is a force to be reckoned with...you are going to monopolize the airways!

    Can't wait to see Monday's post!

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  31. @Mich I'm saying yes!! You understand there's no pay don't you?

    @Workingdan it is my goal to make O'Leary Air the number one discount airline in the world. And I don't care who I have to piss on to make that happen.

    @Bersercules, I just hired her. Now you wanna fly my airline? Will do ya?

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  32. lol you have a pub named shenanigans, thats hilarious.

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  33. Sounds like a fun weekend, MS Paint and a bottle of Gin. Perhaps the Gin should stay in the cupboard!

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  34. That CEO has some awesome plans. I mean, if she can afford all that alcohol, doing something right, yeh?

    I can't wait to see the Bersercules thing. So glad it's coming around for Monday too!

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  35. @Bart, no I just made that up.

    @Ray this one may require tequila.

    @D4 right now I'm scouring the web looking for pictures of Skeletor in that pose.

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  36. Lmao! great post. Can't wait to see the pic.

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  37. If Mich is a stewardess, then I'm definitely flying O'Leary air! Can't wait for her to throw a pillow or a sandwich at me and tell me to feck off! (That is company policy, yes?)

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  38. bracing for the bersercules skeletor mspain art

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  39. I love how the side of the airplane says "GAYCF"

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  40. I would like to book a flight on O'Leary Air to the pub Shenanigans......

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  41. @BonafideJones I'm working on it now.

    @Interwebsfails Thanks, I'm still really slow at doing them though.

    @Insomniac#4 Mich is on board. We'd be more than glad to take your money and abuse you. It's our promise.

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  42. @VulcanRaven so far so good. Bersercules has muscles!

    @Al We don't discriminate here. We're after mass appeal, every deomographic is being targeted.

    @Choleesa I wanted to tell you that I'm having a blogger glitch with some peoples posts. When I go to comment, the screen goes all white and blank. I'm going to go try your page again.

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  43. Nice your pictures are looking great lol :)

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  44. pfft...Skeletor wasn't gay...bi curious maybe.

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  45. haha have fun drawing...buttocks were always pretty easy for me...to draw....so when is the next flight...good aim is always a plus

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  46. Heck, I'd fly O'Leary Air any day! Looking forward to see Bersercules in a semi-gay Skeletor pose! And by the way, thanks for adding me to you blog roll. Appreciate it.

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  47. I'm less scared of stewardesses in the cockpit than I am with reporters who bring bunnies and turkeys with them to press conferences. That's truly frightening.

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  48. I don't see how that business plan can fail.haha! Awesome drawings by the way and I'm looking forward to seeing the photo of Bersercules on Monday!

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  49. @Anne Hey Anne I'll fly one of your planes! But I want a stewardess as pay!

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  50. I tried to use paint before but I can never draw any two pictures alike.. Also that is an awesome pub name XD

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  51. Looks like you can't possibly fail with that kind of mindset. Good luck drawing with MS-Paint. :)

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  52. Best press conference ever. Now if only we could get you onto a televised political debate.

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  53. What an interesting story. Also, nice drawings!

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  54. awesome story...but I'm really looking forward to your MS paint drawing of Berzerk!

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