Friday, December 2, 2011

The Zombie Apocalypse is Nigh

You might be asking "How in the hell does Anne know that the Zombie Apocalypse is close at hand? What does she know that we don't?" And I would answer, "It's because I'm Catholic. And we have our own Top Secret Bible, the Dewey Bible that gives us inside information denied to the rest of you."

Earlier this week I was reading my favorite gospel, "The Gospel According to David St. Hubbins" Its mainly an Apocrypha and predicts future events. That gospel deals with the Zombie Apocalypse.
And because I was piss drunk when I was reading it, I saw things that would normally remain hidden. According to my translation, the final sign is occuring now.

Justin Beiber may have fathered a child. Because Beiber had his bollocks removed at age 9 so he could look like a pre-pubescant boy and remain appealing to his audience of paedophiles we all know that his fathering a child isa biological impossibility. Now the Gospel of David St. Hubbins predicts just such an event. A spermless conception will result in the birth of an undead zombie child. And when that child takes a bite out of Daddy, well.....

The Apolcalypse will be at hand then. If you don't already have a plan, now's the time to come up with one. And thanks to those cheeky bastards (term of endearment) over at A Beer For The Shower, I already have mine. A couple of months ago, they asked their readers to develop a plan for the Apocalypse. I took that advice and here's my plan.

The first thing I did was go out and buy a flamethrower. Because the US government is broke, I got a military grade flame thrower at a discount. Six easy payments of $6.66 and that flamethrower was mine. The thing to remember about the Zombie Apocalypse is that you won't be dealing with just a lone zombie here and there. No there'll be millions of them. And because I'm such a nice person and love my fellow human so much, the implementation of my plan will save thousands of lives.

It's a well-known fact that zombies have only one weakness. And that's their love for baby seals. So I'm going to send out a Global broadcast of myself clubbing a baby seal. The zombies will immediately come after me and so will the PETA people. I plan on using those PETA people as a human shield and when the zombies arrive, out comes my flamethrower. In this way I'll be ridding the world of two evils at the same time. I'm pretty sure I'll get the Congrssional Medal of Honor.

I hope the rest of you have a plan, because if the DNA shows that Beiber had a baby, times up. 


  1. I've never considered if before but you're right Anne, the zombie apocalypse is imminent and we should all panic and prepare ourselves! Great post as always, it gave me a good laugh like it usually tends to do!

  2. I'm buying an AK and a lot of grenades!

  3. hahaha $6.66 what a great deal, I hope there isn't any high interest on those payments though, it might just go to $666 hahaha

    I don't see what was wrong with it, just say what you want to say all the whiners can go pound sand.

    I'll just throw my cat at them and all will be good. Or use my 1000's of dvds as throwing star type things..haha

  4. @Matthew PANIC NOW!!! This is worse than mad cow disease.

    @Interweb I keep a stockpile of grenades in my basement. You might consider picking up a bazooka as well. I got mine at the Salvation army.

    @Pat that cat of yours is deadly, he scares the shit out of Guido. The CD's could be used with a missle launcher. I've got one I'll sell you.

  5. Wait . . . this is the post and people were upset by what you said about baby seals? And nobody had a problem with your suggesting a minor-aged child, celebrity or not, had his gonads removed so he could be sexually attractive to perverts?

    What the hell? I need to read that gospel you were reading but I've only had a single glass of wine. I'll go get something stronger and by the time you get a copy to me, I should be three sheets to the wind and ready to go.

  6. Shock horror!!!!!!Just seen the last episode before the mid season break of The Walking Dead, I didn't see any baby seals............

  7. I thought the girl who made the claims already dropped the charges and went into hiding...?

  8. Haha!! You're very noble in your plans. I would shut myself into a fortress after gathering my loved ones, an arsenal of weapons and explosives, and a 10-year supply of livestock. If the livestock should run out before the 10 years is over (I figure if the zombies aren't gone in 10 years, I may as well just give up...), then I shall force my loved ones to breed enough that I can survive on their children.

    That shall be a condition of hiding out in my epic fortress: fully functional reproductive system and a clean bill of health. and your twitter fans thought YOU were offensive....


  9. Anne,you know if you need a comrade in arms, I've got my ax and a purse full of grenades. Since I'm black I can be the diversion, hahaha!!! Then you can bum rush 'em using your flamethrower.

  10. LMAO!!! You! you are hilarious!!! xD
    Can I hug you? Can I love you? Can I love you forever and ever after?

  11. I downright giggled when it came to getting rid of PETA and the zombies. I've got to say, that's a genius plan.

    I already figured the Bieber part though. I guess I should've done my part to spread the word.

  12. The human human shields a great idea!

  13. Personally I just wanna club Beiber !!

  14. I am Catholic and sad to admit I have never heard of the Dewey Bible or the Gospel of David St. Hubbins. It must be something Mel Gibson stores away in a safe in a mansion on one of the islands he owns, or something like that.

  15. Dont join the seal cub clubbing club please.

  16. That's just crazy Anne. That kid's a cool guy. I support Mr. Beiber in all of his pursuits.

  17. I don't really understand why the hate for Justin Beiber comes from. He's a smart kid, he markets songs to young teens not for adults. Although that doesn't stop old women for going after him, which is creepy.


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