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Monday, December 19, 2011

Jesus Christ Ye've Killed Santa

I know what yer thinking, "She's gone mad, stark raving mad. It's the drink. It's done killed her liver and gone straight to her brain."  And I would say this "It might have done, but that's not what this post is about. It's about Christmas with my Grandparents."




Why just last night, as I was drifting off to sleep I was thinking back with fond memories to the days when I was a wee child and Christmas was full of magic, when I believed in Santa Claus and that's when the memories of my Grandad surfaced.


 
This is my Grandad and Great-Grandad pictured here.  Now aren't they the pair? And they were, always getting up to no good and almost always in trouble for something.. 

One Christmas, my Grandmother for inexplicable reasons, left us kids  alone with Gandad on the eve of Christmas. Oh and it was a wonderful time it was. He let us have sweets and sat us down in front of the fire and told us the story of Santa Claus.


Grandad was the one to talk, he was. And he told the story so well, we could picture Santa comin' down the chinmney with his red pants and shiny black boots.  "Don't move," he said, putting on his coat and boots.  "I've a surprise for Santa. I'm headed out ta the barn, but I'll be right back."  Well we knew Grandad kept poteen out there, so we thought maybe he's goin' ta leave a bit of brew for Santa, to entice him to leave us better presents.  Oh, but we were hopeful. Then the door flew open and in came Grandad and he was holding something shiny in his hands.



It was an animal trap.  "I'll put this in the fireplace and when Santy comes down, SNAP, we'll have him."  Well five children started screaming and crying and Grandad was shouting at us to settle down. We sat there sniffling and hiccuping while he explained his grand plan to us "When I trap Santy in this, I'll go up ta his sleigh and give you kids all the toys. See?"  he said.  We didn't see, but Grandmother did, because after she came home the only thing I remember was the sound of her yelling at him and him trying to calm her down.  It was a great Christmas.

And there was another year that really stands out in my memories. I was just old enough to begin to doubt the existence of Santa, but still young enough to want to hang onto the fantasy. We kids were spending the eve of Christmas with our Grandparents as was our custom and had been put to bed.  Well, you know how children are. The five of us lay there, fighting sleep when suddenly up on the roof we heard an amazing sound.



It was the sound of heavy boots stomping around and a loud ringing of sleigh bells. "Oh it can't be. Santa is real, he's really real." I remember thinking.  I was so happy at that moment. And then....



The sound of gunfire.  I screamed, we all screamed, grandmother screamed everyone expect Grandad was screaming. He was outside holding a shotgun in his hands.  And laying at his feet was my Uncle Sean, piss drunk, face down in the snow holding heavy sleigh bells in his hands.  "Jesus Christ, ye've killed Santy Claus!"  was the only thing I remember anyone saying.  Apparently my Uncle and Grandad had made plans earlier in the week to surprise us kids with the sound of Santa on the roof. But somehow my Grandad forgot, thought it was a robber, grabbed a gun and shot it up into the air, causing my drunk Uncle to topple to the ground.  The rest of the night was filled with the sound of children crying, my Grandmother screaming and my Grandad apologizing. Another O'Leary Christmas come and gone. It was grand I'm tellin' ya.

Now I'm reminding you again that I'm leaving to go home for the holidays on Thursday. My last post before Christmas will be Wednesday. 







45 comments:

  1. I've heard troll dad, but damn. Your troll GRANDfather takes the cake. Too bad Christmas is never really celebrated with much enthusiasm outside putting up a few lights and having a day off.

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  2. @R.gers when you've got little ones it still is. My great-niece and great-nephews are getting the full-on experience.

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  3. Now that's a quality grandfather......great stuff.

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  4. The fact that it’s a granddad (therefore older and wiser) makes things like this the gods honest truth to children.

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  5. @Angry he was a lot of fun. How my grandmother put up with him, I'll never know.

    @Henry'sTat we believed everything he said. Which is why he got in so much trouble.

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  6. hahaha wow those are the kind of christmas stories you will never forget. Sounds like a wonderful grandfather, if not a bit crazy, but aren't we all?..haha

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  7. That's actually such a great story, your two grandparents sound absolutely awesome, I can just imagine them being two extremely interesting, booze drinking, Irish gentlemen, your granddad sounds like such a guy.

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  8. @Pat thanks Pat, one day it will be me and the hubby's turn to be the wacky grandparents. I can wait.

    @Matthew With both set of grandparents gone and both parents gone, this year Christmas will full of Christmas past.

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  9. the stuff in teh pic i what i wish i had... hahhahaa

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  10. @navenprasad26 Look behind you, it's Guido. hahaha
    You've just made my week.

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  11. so did granpa finish in jail for shooting the drunk uncle or was it just a fond festive memory :)

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  12. @Dez not this time. He used to get picked up for drunk driving all the time. They took his license, but not his truck. So he kept driving, the coppers would just bring him home to grama and laugh. Hey is The Hobbit trailer hitting today?

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  13. That is awesome. I think I would have hung out with your Grandad. I drink a lot of alcohol, but damn, I want to party with some of you Irish.

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  14. This.. this is amazing. I took the time to read it to the people I'm around right now so they could all enjoy these wonderful stories. You should write these out, make them like short children's stories, but for adults. Just pull 'em out every Christmas while drunk is what I'd do.

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  15. Now THAT is what I call a good Christmas story. Your Grandad sounds a lot like mine, in the ornery and wild fashion. Guns, bear traps, and all. His realistic dedication to dealing with a home intruder (presents or no) would have made a believer out of me:)

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  16. that was some funny shit.
    I needed a good laugh here at work!!
    I'd say you got a pretty good knack for words yourself...I was able to see all this in my head.

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  17. EFFING BLOGGER DELETED MY COMMENT. >:(

    Shall try again...

    Your post made my morning. <3

    I miss Christmas with Granny and Granddad sooooo much!! Mum still loves to tell her favourite xmas story, the year I got into the alcoholic chocolate and ate the whole box (I was 5). Took a while for the adults to figure out why little Mich was acting so strange... Granddad was the only one who laughed about it at the time. :D

    Are you going Home home for Christmas? If you are, I'm extremely jealous. <3

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  18. Family memories! There can be bittersweet! Thanks for sharing the story!

    Few days ago I watched the first movie about the waltons (which became an american TV show) and it takes place around christmas and is a family show about people living in the great depresion and in it the dad comes home on christmas eve with presents and tells all his kids how he got them by beating up santa and stealing them!

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  19. Great, great stories! I wanna party with the O'Learys!
    But, on a serious note.....what do you mean there's not a Santa Claus?????
    Next you'll be telling me the Easter Bunny is a product of Madison Avenue.

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  20. THE HOBBIT is hitting tomorrow, hopefully, but it might be Wednesday for us in Europe :)

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  21. haha I can't wait until I can say "I'm to old for this shit" to everything that comes up..haha...I'll love that.

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  22. Your family isn't the least bit crazy, hahaha!!!! The incident with Uncle Sean sounds like something that could've happened in my family ;-). Yep we's definitely kin.

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  23. Those sound like some classic Christmas memories! Reminds me of my grandfather, quite the prankster he was!

    If I didn't have kids, Christmas would be just another day spent wishing for those Christmas' spent as a child!

    Great post! Now I'm off to weep over the past and loved ones lost!

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  24. I like that shotgun...sry...random thought as I read the blog.

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  25. Anne as always I love your stories. Keep it up dollface:)

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  26. @Barfly you southerners are alot like us. I have a friend in Georgia and she's like a sister to me. Can you imagine what it would be like if we got smashed together?

    @D4 Thank you, I'm pleased to hear other people liked this. My hubby says we should make a sitcom about my family, they're so weird.

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  27. @AK yeah somebody did say that. But I think they said it about you, something like "That dude really blows" Will do ya? Do ya blow? I'm thinkin' you do.

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  28. Hahahahahaha, NO I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU?!?!?!?! :)

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  29. @Bersercules, I think I saw that episode. Did you see the one where they sacrificed the youngest child to the God of Weather? It was waaay ahead of its time.

    @Al definitely you can party with us. The Easter Bunny is real, my Grandad shot him and skinnned him and Grandma made a stew of him. It was grand.

    @Dez, good I'm looking forward to it.

    @Patt I thought you were already there hahaha

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  30. @AK Of course I do and quite well I might add. I can suck the chrome right off a trailer hitch.

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  31. @AK I'll follow you back, I like your style. You can give as good as you get. (pun intended).

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  32. @ABFTS thanks boys. I got your book and I'm gonna win that effin' contest.

    @Choleesa thanks, I can't get the images out of my head, no matter how hard I drink.

    @Mich, I'm leaving Thursday and will be back Monday night. I wish you had home movies of you wasted on chocky's filled with booze. It would be great.

    @Michelle, we should have a joint family reunion sometime. We'd have the best stories to tell afterwards.

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  33. @workingdan I just came from reading your post today, I'm still laughing. You really effed Santa up didn't you. The bastard had it coming.

    @Otter random thought? You teach children, I'm betting shotgun thoughts enter your mind on a regular basis :)

    @Jerzey you are always so charming. I'm on my way over to your blog now to see if you've posted. I hope you have. You need to post more often!

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  34. I may have to judge the "trailer hitch" for myself if you do not mind ;)

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  35. @Anne Naa that ain't a head of its time! The Flintstones did that first!

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  36. Hell yes, Anne, I can imagine exactly what it'd be like if we got smashed together. I just can't imagine where we'd wake up.....and how we'd be dressed, if we were dressed, and what kind of haircuts and tattoos we had....and where would they be? And what would the puke look like. And what the hell is that midget doin here?

    Damn.

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  37. Wow! Your Grandad was quite the practical joker. I would have been so traumatized! Sometimes I wish i had that kind of humor, but I doubt I'd have the guts to scare my grandkids (and anger my wife) with things like that :)

    I've seen you comment on just about half the blogs I follow (esp. S*ck B*tch) and thought I should drop by your blog and say hello. Thanks for following me as well!

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  38. @AK I can provide signed affidavits from politicians the world over. But they're lying bastards so I'll see what I can do.

    @Bersercules So that's what happened to Pepples. I thought she died of an overdose in a parking lot at Denny's.

    @Barfly Let's get this feckin' party going then dammit. Those are some vital questions yer askin' there. I need a new tat anyway, something tasteful that says "I'm a feckin' drunk"

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  39. @Insomniac, one year he told us the PM had cancelled Christmas, we cried for 2 days over that. So you know Mich too. I love her, she's so funny and her MSPaint pictures kill me.

    @InterwebsFails I'm always drunk.

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  40. @Annes comment to Interwebs Fails So your never drunk again cause its always the same drunk?

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  41. holy crap that was hilarious...scarring but hilarious...a bear trap for santa...and the shotgun...omg...

    hey i am just a guy no reason for intimidation...glad you came over...smiles...

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