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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hipsters: An Irrelevant Elite or A Breed of Zombies That Just Won't Die?

When coming Stateside this past summer I stopped to visit my Auntie Bridey in Staten Island like I usually do. While going out to dinner one night, I saw something that looked like this standing outside of a coffee shop.




"Ah Jesus Bridey, things must be really bad here..." I said as I reached into my purse to pull out a fiver. "Christ Anne," she said while pulling me down the street with her "don't make eye contact with it. If you do, it will try to psychoanalyze you." I stopped cold on the street and said this to her "Bridey, how can you be so heartless as not to help out a homeless person in need?" What she said next, chilled my blood. "It's not a homeless person, it's a hipster" she said in a whisper. "And it's not poor, it comes from an upper middle class family and dresses itself up to appear poor."


"Jesus Christ God Almighty" I said. "So they're real. We all thought they were an urban myth. Like Bigfoot and such." Putting her arm around my shoulders, Bridey hurried us off the street and into the car. She locked the door, hauled her seatbelt around her, put the car in gear and tore into traffic without checking the rearview. "No pet, they're real" she said. "They've been here for years. The younger set is trying to eradicate them through the use of new music and new fashion, but these things are tenacious. They've reached their thirties and have become irrelevant, but they just can't seem to accept it, so they persist."


My mind then reached the next even more horrifying conclusion. "You don't mean that these things are now breeding do you Bridey?" She turned to look at me with eyes so wide I could see the veins against the white and said "Yes Anne, some of them are breeding and producing children of their own. But don't panic. The children will react against them and that should relegate them to obscurity where they belong." And then she added this warning "Don't bring the great nieces and nephews to visit for a few years. The government is still working on a vaccine to prevent a pandemic and we don't want this shite infecting Ireland."

And to answer the question posed to me by my daughters friends back home about hipsters.

Yes hipsters are real, they roam the streets unhindered in broad daylight and are free to assault normal people with banal rhetoric. But our President elect, Michael Higgins has been debriefed by the CIA and is aware of the potential damage to our country if hipsterism should attempt to take hold. So you can all sleep safely in your beds tonight children. Auntie Anne is off to sleep. Nighty night.





27 comments:

  1. You seriously don't want them in Ireland. Once PBR gets into your beer system, it will be almost impossible to eradicate. Like a bad weed.

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  2. "The government is still working on a vaccine to prevent a pandemic and we don't want this shite infecting Ireland."...made me laugh my bollox off, excellent work.

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  3. I know Allen, it would cripple our breweries if tainted with it. We're taking extreme measures to prevent an infestation.

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  4. Thank you so much for that Angry. I appreciate it.

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  5. Ugh, I hate hipsters. I loved this post though, made me laugh out loud. I see them all the time in Belfast at the city hall, it's pretty sickening!

    Thanks for your kind comment on my blog as well, your comments are always a pleasure to read!

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  6. Definitely a hipster, but seems to be lacking an ironic mustache; the hipster staple. Unless he has one drawn on his finger, hipsters never get sick of that joke.

    Funny read.

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  7. Oh I really have to move to Ireland. No PBR? Really? And no hipsters? There truly is a heaven on earth after all . . .

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  8. I can't believe you know about the existence of hipsters. You're becoming so knowledgeable about the world! I'm proud of you!

    Love,

    The Spawn.

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  9. Are you talking ill of my KIND?! I am so very.. not offended at all, this was hilarious! The smile couldn't have been wiped off my face as I heard the story unfold.

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  10. They're in Belfast Matthew, nooooo. And I love your blog. You're so honest and it's good for me to know what the young people up North are feeling. I'm glad I met you,

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  11. Thank you Adam. He's probably got a black liner in his pocket so he can paint one on in case of a hipster emergency.

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  12. Satia, please do come to Ireland, we would love to have you.

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  13. And you, my daughter, you're not supposed to be commenting on my page you little shite. Wait till I tell your father....

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  14. And yes that is my real daughters comment and I will find a way to get even with her for this.

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  15. It can't happen soon enough My2

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  16. Thank you D4, I'm glad you liked it.

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  17. Hipsters crack me up because they put in so much effort to appear as if their persona is effortless. Boston is crawling with them!

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  18. I never understood the point of being hipster, guess I never heard about it.

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  19. I couldn't agree more Michelle. A studied indifference is well, studied and threfor requires effort. And crawling that's the operatvie word, kinda like cockroaches, don't ya think?

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  20. I hadn't heard of them until I came stateside this time around either R.g. They hate foreigners by the way. Can't effin' stand us.

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  21. "Jesus Christ God Almighty." I think that sums up my reaction to hipsters as well.

    Halloween here was funny, because I couldn't tell if someone was dressing up as a hipster for Halloween, or if this was just their everyday poor choice of attire. Unfortunately, I think a LOT of it was the latter.

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  22. I thought about that too. How could one tell between a hipster halloween costume and the real thing? I was prepared though as I had cans of PBR and cans of good microbrew on hand. Anyone who chose PBR was a hipster and they got a piece of candy laced with rat poison.

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  23. Oh to that rich and bored to have to do that!!

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