"Ah Jesus Bridey, things must be really bad here..." I said as I reached into my purse to pull out a fiver. "Christ Anne," she said while pulling me down the street with her "don't make eye contact with it. If you do, it will try to psychoanalyze you." I stopped cold on the street and said this to her "Bridey, how can you be so heartless as not to help out a homeless person in need?" What she said next, chilled my blood. "It's not a homeless person, it's a hipster" she said in a whisper. "And it's not poor, it comes from an upper middle class family and dresses itself up to appear poor."
"Jesus Christ God Almighty" I said. "So they're real. We all thought they were an urban myth. Like Bigfoot and such." Putting her arm around my shoulders, Bridey hurried us off the street and into the car. She locked the door, hauled her seatbelt around her, put the car in gear and tore into traffic without checking the rearview. "No pet, they're real" she said. "They've been here for years. The younger set is trying to eradicate them through the use of new music and new fashion, but these things are tenacious. They've reached their thirties and have become irrelevant, but they just can't seem to accept it, so they persist."
My mind then reached the next even more horrifying conclusion. "You don't mean that these things are now breeding do you Bridey?" She turned to look at me with eyes so wide I could see the veins against the white and said "Yes Anne, some of them are breeding and producing children of their own. But don't panic. The children will react against them and that should relegate them to obscurity where they belong." And then she added this warning "Don't bring the great nieces and nephews to visit for a few years. The government is still working on a vaccine to prevent a pandemic and we don't want this shite infecting Ireland."
And to answer the question posed to me by my daughters friends back home about hipsters.
Yes hipsters are real, they roam the streets unhindered in broad daylight and are free to assault normal people with banal rhetoric. But our President elect, Michael Higgins has been debriefed by the CIA and is aware of the potential damage to our country if hipsterism should attempt to take hold. So you can all sleep safely in your beds tonight children. Auntie Anne is off to sleep. Nighty night.