Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I've Bagged Me First Troll

I've waited a long time to bag me first troll on Blogger.  I was beginning to worry that I'd never reach that day, the day we all live for, the day we'll never forget, the day of the troll attack.  One of the little darlings made its appearance on me page last week.  I was thrilled.

Now ya might be askin' yerself "Why in Gods name would she be thrilled about a troll showin' up on her page? Is she daft?"  "No, I'm not daft" I'd answer "Ya see, Trolls are good for business"  Let me explain.

One of the primary characteristics of a troll is the desperate need for attention.  After the troll leaves its comment, it feels an uncontrollable urge to visit your page every couple of minutes just to see if you've replied to it.  This drives up your pageviews. 

The people who read your page regularly often notice the troll attack and want to see how you're going to handle the situation.  So they monitor your page, further driving up your pageviews. Since this was my first attack, anticipation in Twitterland was high.  What would I do?  Eviscerate it or ignore it?

I played this one close to the vest, I tell ya.  I've been waiting for this glorious day for months so I was prepared.  I had a battle plan in my hip pocket. 

Now everyone knows what the troll is looking for. 

The troll wants to provoke you in order to get a response.  Trolls feed off of your irritation.  It makes 'em feel big.  So I gave it what it wanted.  I fed it with a nasty retort.  It did just what I expected it to do.  It came back lookin' for another feeding.  Now I know what yer thinkin'. It wasn't fair to play with the troll like that.  Everyone knows they're simple minded creatures and it's just not right to bait them.  Now, I'm tellin' ya that's not what I was doin'.  I needed a positive ID on this troll before I counted coup on it.

It takes a troll to properly identify a troll. So I sent for Guido, my pet troll.  Had him flown in first class from Ireland so he could get a good whiff of the bugger before I posted this blog.  When the troll returned to make its next comment, Guido was at my side.  "That's a feckin' troll" he said.  And that was all I needed. 

So what did I do? I blocked it and then deleted its comments.  But not until after I had captured and stored the image of its avi and its comment on my hard drive.  I treasure that troll and its comments.  Why, I'm sleeping with the printout of its face under me pillow.  And today, I'm feeding the troll by writing about it.  I'm not being cruel, I'm being kind.  I'm giving this little troll the attention it so desperately needs.  The trolls real identity will never be shared. That's safe with me, Toki and my pet troll, Guido. 

The folks in Twitterland know of my kindness to bots.  I collect them.  I welcome each new bot upon it's arrival with a familiar phrase.  "Welcome to my collection bot.  I hope you enjoy your brief stay."  Well, I'm doing the same thing with the trolls in Bloggerland.  I'm going to collect them.  When one shows up, I'll give it my standard welcome.  So this message is for you, my first and favorite troll.

"Welcome to my collection troll.  I hope you enjoy your brief stay"

Now we're layin' odds in Twitterland that this troll will return soon wearin' a different avi.  That's okay, Guido here will sniff him out.  He's already got the scent of him and says he smells tasty. 

I'm hoping that over time more trolls will come to visit my page.  When I collect enough of them, I plan on opening a Troll of Fame Page.  It'll be fantastic. 


  1. Anythings possible Angry. If I decide to carve the bastards into figurines as mementos I'll have you do the paintwork on them. You've got a fine hand with a brush and you don't skimp on the details.

  2. I wish I could be so casual but I have these virtual battle scars from being stalked online and verbally abused that every time a new person leaves a comment on my blog, I actually have a tharn moment. If it had happened once, I would have gotten over it. I know because I did. The first time. But it happened more times and I'm still working my way out sloooowly. Very very . . . with my ears and tail tucked.

  3. If I was putting up serious literature like you are Satia, I wouldn't be so casual about it. Trolls love to hurt people and they'll hurt anyone. Bullies are usually cowards. Generally if you bare your fangs at 'em and growl a bit, they're the ones that turn tail and run. If you ever need help with a troll, let me know. I'll send Guido over.

  4. I'd love to see your Troll Wall of Fame. Lucky you've got Guido to help you sniff 'em out. Each day I like you more and more, Anne :-).

  5. But i'm back!! You can't handle me, lady. Trololololololololo
    There is nothing wrong with trolls, just mess with him back and have a good laugh.

  6. Glad ta see ya Rabbi. You'd not make a good troll though. You've too much self-confidence and intelligence. I'll see ya at yer place tomorrow friend.

  7. If anyone is wondering who me troll was, I can't tell ya. It's avi isn't on me page and the troll was blocked so it's not following me.

    Your comments are always welcome.

  8. Michelle,
    Me and Toki have grown attached to you and Topaz as well. You've become dear to me and I value your friendship.

  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  10. I absolutely love this post anne.... very ingenious indeed.


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