Monday, August 22, 2011


Seeing the title of this you might be thinking "Holy Christ, Anne's arrived at her in-laws and is about to give her mum-in-law the what for."  The answer to that is "No" to the first, and "Not yet, give it time" to the second. 

I was bitten, by a venemous creature whilst out trying to have some fun.

Now had I been bitten by the honey bee, there'd have been no problem. I'm not allergic to them and they don't sting me anyway, preferring to buzz about me head happy to be livin' in the garden I built for them. 

This may be species profiling, but I'd swear the bastard that bit me was a spider.  "Holy Mary, Mother of God", I screamed feeling the sting just as I reached into the wood pile to grab another log.  What ensued can only be described as "trippy"

My hand began to swell up and things began to look a little weird. 

"The vines are eatin' the fire hydrant" I said to no one in particular.  As we're visiting with a friend of my husbands, whom I had never met before, this was not a good thing to be sayin' aloud.  "Ahh, those Irish are mad. Must be in the blood"  I could hear them thinking as they looked quizzically in my direction. 

"Yer wife's arse is almost as big as yer dog's nose" I nearly shouted. But then I realized all of what was transpiring, was taking place only inside my head.  It was the venom from the bite that was doing this to me.

Chemicals were at work here.

"What are you on about?" my husband asked from what seemed like a looong ways away.  "Get over here ya lout (term of endearment) and take a look at this will ya.  I've been bitten by a spider fer fucks sake."  I shouted back from my place on the bench, which seemed to be growing larger.

"Saint's preserve us woman, why didn't ya speak up sooner?" my husband asked. After 22 years of marriage, my yank/American, Protestant husband has learned the value of calling on the saints in times of crisis.  So they piled me into their SUV, and took me to their home.  (Really, you guys should ride in one of these SUV's aka people carriers, their huuuuuge. Fuck, I could put all of Ireland in the boot of this thing.)

I spent the rest of the weekend, taking antihistamine for the swelling, ibuprofen for the fever, and rum for the hallucinations. 

All photographs (except for the one of the spider) have my signature embedded and are source located to my camera. Copy, crop, paste and I'll have my friend Harry lay some larvae in yer hair.

10p goes to the quiz master that can tell me the name of the chemical that caused my hallucinations.

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